• 现在很多年轻人为了耍酷，过马路也要带个耳机，

    殊不知这样做多危险，万一被车撞到，耳机不就摔坏了吗？

  • 现在的工作是越来越难做了，一个部门8个人，有5个群…

  • 晚上做梦，梦见被子掉了，然后貌似我就被冻醒了，赶紧起床把被子捡起来，结果半夜还是冷，

    等第二天醒来的时候，发现掉被子是真的，捡被子是做梦。

  • 最近压力太大了，我都想把房子卖了，去旅游散散心，

    我跟房东说，他还不同意。

  • 小时候写东西，谈不上有文采，但总归还会用些成语，
    形容秋风，会想到秋风瑟瑟，会想到秋风萧萧。

    而如今，秋风吹过，满脑子只有一句：冷得一匹。

  • 小学生作文常用结尾：

    1. 屹立于世界民族之林。
    2. 给我上了深深的一课。
    3. 我低下头，羞红了脸。

  • 在网上买了个懒人支架，到货后懒得去取，被快递退回了。

  • 想谈一场办公室恋爱，可惜我在工地上班。

  • 我唯一能坚持的健身项目，就是观看和收藏各种健身视频。

  • 当尖锐的批评完全消失，温和的批评将会变得刺耳；当温和的批评也消失了，沉默将被认为居心叵测；如果沉默也不再允许，赞扬不够卖力将是一种罪行。

  • I was lying in my bed, staring at the stars.

    I wondered, “Where the frick is my ceiling?”

  • Last night, a burglar broke into my house and started looking for money.
    I woke up, switched on the lights and helped him look.

    Despite our best efforts, we didn’t find any money at all.

  • I asked Alexa why I was still single.

    She said: “sorry I have a boyfriend”

  • A programer’s wife sends him to the market and says, “Take some sausages… And if there are any eggs, take 10”

    Half an hour later the programer comes back home with 10 sausages. His wife asks him, “Why are you bringing 10 sausages?” “They had eggs.”

  • I was going to donate blood today, but they always ask waaaay too many personal questions.

    Like, “Whose blood is this?”, and “Where did you get it?”