• I’m in bed, looking up at the stars and think to myself…

    “Where the hell did my ceiling go?”

  • 20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope, and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope, and no Jobs.
    Please don't let Kevin Bacon die!

  • What do rocks and girls have in common?
    The flat ones get skipped

  • I used to think that 12 AM and 12 PM were the same thing…
    I can’t believe I ever thought that. Those were different times.

  • Mr. and Mrs. Keaton notice the young man staying next door always kisses his girlfriend every morning before heading to work.

    "Why don't you do that?" Mrs.Keaton asks her husband.

    "Darling, I don't even know the woman."

  • I asked my wife, “Why don’t you tell me when you orgasm?”

    She said, “I don’t like calling you at work.”

  • How ungrateful people are.

    My grandfather tried to warn everyone that the Titanic was going to sink. Besides not believing in him, they also expelled him from the movie theater!

  • Today I donated a laptop, a smartphone and $500 to a poor guy.

    Can’t express the happiness I got when I saw him putting the knife back in his pocket.

  • A little boy was doing his math homework and practicing out loud, “Two plus six, that son of a bitch is eight…”

    Three plus seven, that son of a bitch is ten.”

    Hearing what he was saying, his mother asked him what he was doing. He answered that he was doing his math homework.

    “And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?” she asked her son to which he replied yes.

    Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher what she is teaching in math class. The teacher said, “Right now, we are learning addition.”

    The mother asked if she was teaching them to say “two plus two, that son of a bitch is four.”

    Laughing, the teacher replied, “What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.”

  • I was lying in my bed, staring at the stars.

    I wondered, “Where the frick is my ceiling?”

  • Last night, a burglar broke into my house and started looking for money.
    I woke up, switched on the lights and helped him look.

    Despite our best efforts, we didn’t find any money at all.

  • I asked Alexa why I was still single.

    She said: “sorry I have a boyfriend”

  • A programer’s wife sends him to the market and says, “Take some sausages… And if there are any eggs, take 10”

    Half an hour later the programer comes back home with 10 sausages. His wife asks him, “Why are you bringing 10 sausages?” “They had eggs.”

  • I was going to donate blood today, but they always ask waaaay too many personal questions.

    Like, “Whose blood is this?”, and “Where did you get it?”

  • I used to think that my life was a tragedy…

    But now I realized, it’s a fucking comedy.