The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix.
Is to ask yourself: Do I really want to see it?
If the answer is yes, then it’s not on Netflix.
分类： 英文段子
I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise.
My boss asked “what companies?”
Gas, water and electricity.
I wanted an Australian Visa. They asked if I had a criminal record.
Didn’t know you still need it.
How many Trump supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. Trump says it’s done and they all cheer in the dark.
I won the lottery today!
Well, I only got the first two numbers, but my lawyers are working on having them stop the count.
I hate it when homeless people shake their change cups at me.
I get it, you have more money than me. No need to be a dick about it.
Its untrue that most women want to get married.
I’ve asked loads and they’ve all said no.
I’m in bed, looking up at the stars and think to myself…
“Where the hell did my ceiling go?”
20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope, and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope, and no Jobs.
Please don't let Kevin Bacon die!
What do rocks and girls have in common?
The flat ones get skipped
I used to think that 12 AM and 12 PM were the same thing…
I can’t believe I ever thought that. Those were different times.
Mr. and Mrs. Keaton notice the young man staying next door always kisses his girlfriend every morning before heading to work.
"Why don't you do that?" Mrs.Keaton asks her husband.
"Darling, I don't even know the woman."
I asked my wife, “Why don’t you tell me when you orgasm?”
She said, “I don’t like calling you at work.”
How ungrateful people are.
My grandfather tried to warn everyone that the Titanic was going to sink. Besides not believing in him, they also expelled him from the movie theater!
Today I donated a laptop, a smartphone and $500 to a poor guy.
Can’t express the happiness I got when I saw him putting the knife back in his pocket.
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