• When life gives you lemons, Freeze them and throw them as hard as you can at the people making your life difficult.

  • "It’s a boy!" I shouted, tears rolling down my face. "I don’t believe it. A boy!"

    At that moment I decided I’d never visit Thailand again.

  • In an another universe there’s a mosquito taking a pic of you asleep …..

    and has just captioned it as "Dinner is served" on social media.

  • I’ve done some terrible things for money.

    Like getting up early to go to work.

  • If I could time travel.

    I’d go to my funeral and take names of people who seemed to be handling it a little too well.

  • It’s now 7 months since I joined the gym and nothing has changed.

    Maybe it’s time I go there personally and find out what’s wrong.

  • 问：“滴水之恩，涌泉相报”的英语怎么说？
    答：You di da di da me, i hua la hua la you.

  • Saying to myself: ”Don’t be awkward today…”
    A stranger: ”Hello”.
    Me: ”Fine, thanks”.
    Fuck it.

  • Introverts are NPCs, we don’t talk to you unless you talk to us first.

  • If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, it was meant to be. If it does not, hunt it down & kill it.

  • There’s a saying: Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift.

  • I failed my driving test 1st time round. I was driving down a country lane with the examiner when a rabbit ran out right in front of the car. I remembered my instructor said you should never swerve or try and avoid an animal it’s dangerous and you can end up causing a more serious accident. You should always just hit it and keep on driving. Had to chase that cunt for miles across the fields before I got the fucker.

  • Love is blind, so don’t be silent when you find it.

  • No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words “COMPLETE and FINISHED”. Some people say there’s no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED, but there is: When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE! When you marry the wrong woman you are FINISHED! ….And when your wife catches you with another woman, you are …COMPLETELY FINISHED! And if you marry a wife who likes shopping so much, you are FINISHED COMPLETELY!

  • Do not ask your boyfriend long or short – when you are dating bisexuals
    To say what the problem can be crazy your man, that is, girlfriend’s hair long or short. (Apply to all couples)
    Girl: dear, I want to cut a bob.
    Men: wonderful, it looks like I will get another girl
    Girl: But I feel reluctant to my long hair
    Men: OK, don’t cut it
    Girl: but now, a bob is so popular
    Men: baby, cut it!
    Girl: but I think I am more suitable for long hair
    Men: oh, if that, I think you can keep your long hair
    Girl: But my friend said, I am more suitable for a short hair
    Men: ….cut
    Girl: But cut a short hair, I need to often go to the barber shop to prune
    Men: …..don’t….cut
    Girl: but I think I can try a bob
    Men: go away!! I do not want to talk to you