• I was lying in my bed, staring at the stars.

    I wondered, “Where the frick is my ceiling?”

  • Last night, a burglar broke into my house and started looking for money.
    I woke up, switched on the lights and helped him look.

    Despite our best efforts, we didn’t find any money at all.

  • I asked Alexa why I was still single.

    She said: “sorry I have a boyfriend”

  • A programer’s wife sends him to the market and says, “Take some sausages… And if there are any eggs, take 10”

    Half an hour later the programer comes back home with 10 sausages. His wife asks him, “Why are you bringing 10 sausages?” “They had eggs.”

  • I was going to donate blood today, but they always ask waaaay too many personal questions.

    Like, “Whose blood is this?”, and “Where did you get it?”

  • I used to think that my life was a tragedy…

    But now I realized, it’s a fucking comedy.

  • I always thought people treated me like a god.

    They ignore my existance unless they need something from me.

  • I asked my Chinese friend what it’s like living in China.

    He says he can’t complain.

  • I asked Siri why I was still single.

    She turned on the front camera.

  • Me: When i donate blood i do not extract it myself. A nurse does it for me.

    Receptionist: Yes, but this is a sperm bank and it doesn’t work that way.

  • When life gives you lemons, Freeze them and throw them as hard as you can at the people making your life difficult.

  • "It’s a boy!" I shouted, tears rolling down my face. "I don’t believe it. A boy!"

    At that moment I decided I’d never visit Thailand again.

  • In an another universe there’s a mosquito taking a pic of you asleep …..

    and has just captioned it as "Dinner is served" on social media.

  • I’ve done some terrible things for money.

    Like getting up early to go to work.

  • If I could time travel.

    I’d go to my funeral and take names of people who seemed to be handling it a little too well.