• I always thought people treated me like a god.

    They ignore my existance unless they need something from me.

  • I asked my Chinese friend what it’s like living in China.

    He says he can’t complain.

  • I asked Siri why I was still single.

    She turned on the front camera.

  • Me: When i donate blood i do not extract it myself. A nurse does it for me.

    Receptionist: Yes, but this is a sperm bank and it doesn’t work that way.

  • When life gives you lemons, Freeze them and throw them as hard as you can at the people making your life difficult.

  • "It’s a boy!" I shouted, tears rolling down my face. "I don’t believe it. A boy!"

    At that moment I decided I’d never visit Thailand again.

  • In an another universe there’s a mosquito taking a pic of you asleep …..

    and has just captioned it as "Dinner is served" on social media.

  • I’ve done some terrible things for money.

    Like getting up early to go to work.

  • If I could time travel.

    I’d go to my funeral and take names of people who seemed to be handling it a little too well.

  • It’s now 7 months since I joined the gym and nothing has changed.

    Maybe it’s time I go there personally and find out what’s wrong.

  • Saying to myself: ”Don’t be awkward today…”
    A stranger: ”Hello”.
    Me: ”Fine, thanks”.
    Fuck it.

  • Introverts are NPCs, we don’t talk to you unless you talk to us first.

  • If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, it was meant to be. If it does not, hunt it down & kill it.

  • There’s a saying: Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift.

  • I failed my driving test 1st time round. I was driving down a country lane with the examiner when a rabbit ran out right in front of the car. I remembered my instructor said you should never swerve or try and avoid an animal it’s dangerous and you can end up causing a more serious accident. You should always just hit it and keep on driving. Had to chase that cunt for miles across the fields before I got the fucker.